Break through, breaking away, break-ups and just plain broke, these are universal terms and experiences. The excruciating exactness of the emotions these words describe has been an understood element in everyone of our lives at some point. For evidence, see the thousands of empathic fan interpretations of Taylor Swift's latest album.
As a coach and moreover, a continuously curious human, I marvel at all the fractures and excavations that occur before the actual breaking points. Maybe it's the wonderment of the why that draws me to see, to feel, the soft, non-explosive, cracking pieces. Before they fell or snapped together, what puzzle did they complete within us? "Growth and pain feel the same", is a lyric from a song I just listened to this morning AND astonishingly it was not by Mother T.S. (Chandler Leighton, A Letter To Everyone Who's Hurt Me in case you are interested). I can't think of a better way to articulate the actual process of incremental human breakage than the confluence of these two words. I've felt it in myself, the pain so all encompassing emotional becomes physical. I see it in my beloved friends and coaching clients; the monumental growth paced as a slow burning, fierce fire. Growth and pain do indeed feel the same in the breaking. My encouragement to you and myself is to be a compassionate witness to the breaking. There's a real gut-level tangibility to seeing and feeling each element. It's the building block of skyscraper tall self-trust. Because once you've been broken, it no longer has the power. . . you do.
0 Comments
How do you manage professional shame? Specifically, the painful distress of continuing to interact with personnel (not project/task) related shame? I'm talking you f'd up with another human in the workplace kind of humiliation. As an HR professional, I've seen this most when anger floods the situation and we lash out to ease our own overflowing emotion.
For me, professional shame is not an acute experience rather a chronic reflection of how I behaved, acted and attitudes I held in a past position. I succumbed to the "protect your piece of the corporate pie" mindset fed to me and in turn funneled to my own teams. I told half truths, power-grabbed, and served my own brand of 'justice' . Full stop. While I'm tempted to add plenty of context, the reality is I am responsible and accountable to myself first and foremost. I'm certain that's how articulating personal values became a cornerstone of my coaching practice. Holding my past behaviors and mindsets against the core values of who I am; the hot shame flames flare. In the absence of some LinkedIn lead 12-step program to make amends with all my former reports to, how can I process? As always, I don't have all the answers, but, I do have my own experience. I can share that I have indeed reached out to professional contacts of my past and expressed my apologies for how I acted. In every case, the recipient responds with some level of dismissal and refutes the experience with their own perspective. While heartening on some level, it really only confirms we are all in our own bubbles and the intentions of others (me) are rarely glimpsed if the behavior is covert or normalized enough in the workplace. This information and other work taught me that shame processing is an inside job. I have learned through my past ashamed behavior and knowing my personal values, that when faced with similar circumstances; I can and will chose alignment with my values. Even when there is more on the line (financially, reputation, relationships), I will not walk that shameful, anti-values path again - for anyone, but especially for my self. Taking accountability, making amends (even if its only between you and your past self), and changed behavior in alignment with values have been my release for professional shame. If you'd like some help walking this rocky path, I've got the experience and coaching tools to assist. Reach out. You know that saying what's old will be new again? I think I mostly associate that with fashion trends but as I look back in my writings I see how relatable it is to my political and societal injustice views.
In the days following January 6, 2021, my journal entries include the following perspectives; When I look back on my legacy, will I have done all that I could to serve humanity? This is a powerful tool in reducing my anger. When I look through this service lens it's clear what my beliefs are and thus my behaviors must reflect. This clarity requires actions devoid of righteous & lowly judgement of others for not following. I will have to continue to work hard to banish my judgement and my why as weapons. The mirror of anger is a powerful extinguisher of my own. It is not an antidote to the justice that must be carried out nor is it a righteous morale ground that I look down from. Rather, I believe it is an invitation to look deeply within. Just as I don't have to hate me to change myself, I do not have to hate to generate change in the world. I write a lot about lens and mirrors - I guess that might be the trend I participate in. What is to be seen and what is reflected. Today, in the midst of global genocides I feel my anger and judgement in a more profound and permanent way then I ever conceived in those prior journal entries. And now I desperately wish my why was a useful weapon. How do you know the difference between stepping up to face fear or stepping into a major pile of shit? When the anxiety churning your gut is the same in both scenarios, what discerns the right move?
Do you have an answer? Yes - amazing fill us in on your strategies! No - welcome to the majority. Even after 2 decades of professional people experience and 4+ decades of humanness, I'm only still dabbling in discerning the grey of my big scary stuff. However, in the interest of chipping away at fear in general and judgement in specific, I'll share what bits I have learned. While I won't share the details (no! you nebby thing you!), I've had two major life - umm, let's call them 'disruptions' shall we. One in the professional sphere and the other personal both within the span of 2 years. The risks of loss were and have been very high and hindsight brings a sense of absolute rightness to my then decisions. But at the time I thought fear and grief might swallow me whole. It literally clenched my stomach and gagged me physically. My body has always been the first to communicate to me. So, that's tip numero uno- listen to your body. Try not to make it scream at you for attention. And while we are on the the topic, take the time to sit in and articulate (even if it's just in your mind) what and where you feel fear, anxiety, joy and happiness in your body. In the professional scenario, I had prepared in advance and used my words as the source of justice that will otherwise never be served. Writing out and delivering my message with fear still trembling my hands and voice was the only choice I felt I had. That lack of choice for me, the clarity I had that no other decision would be authentic to me, that's what drove me through the big scary. As life would have it, the personal experience unfolded over years and all at once. It was a moment that while my heart was breaking, I felt a literal snap within me. It wasn't me breaking but rather the last puzzle piece snapping into place. The game was over, I wasn't going to play anymore and as soon as my words matching that left my mouth, the weight in my stomach lifted. Again, a visceral experience as much as a mental one. So whether you do so premeditatively or retroactively listen to your body, take notes on it's communication and take the time to feel how and where the big scary stuff shows up physically. Clarity and choice are a magnificent compass. When I'm feeling meh or otherwise uninspired, I like to randomly flip to a beloved book page (my favorite for this activity is Glennon Doyle's Untamed) and read the found words as if they are a personal inscription. Just for that day. Just for me. Another tactic I use is to find the same date, but years' past in my own journal writing. Today I'm sharing my inner ('bout to be internet out eek!) dialogue on problematic empathy.
I think I glimpse my empathetic dilemma. I was shown that other people's pain is more important than my own. Calming that pain and helping others with it was more noble, a higher calling than maintaining my own sense of contentment, peace, and self-love. That in order to "help" or to truly FEEL was to feel others emotions deeper than my own. Other people's pain and sorrow is not helped by sacrificing my own inner love, peace, joy, and contentment. I can have empathy without prioritizing that pain over my own calm. Flash forward 3 years and lots of therapy later, I can see the hallmarks of codependency. As I clarify for my coaching clients, I am not a therapist and free example based therapy is not really my point in posting this. Rather I think this message found me today to remind me that anything, even something as well-intentioned as empathy, can be destructive without balance and perspective. A weapon formed when a tool was all that is needed. It's that season where goals have been set. Resolutions made and perhaps already broken too. And if that's the case, go easy on yourself. No motivation or goal was ever won fueled by self-hatred, no matter what the weight-loss capitalistic assholes say.
For my part, I resolved a few years ago to not make any resolutions. How very responsible and forward-thinking huh? Not really, don't mistake my unwillingness to get on that hamster wheel as some kind of trendsetting. My commitment is to continue to serve the habits that serve me. Though this commitment still calls for check-in's and reflections. Is X still serving me? Has Y really made me stronger/better? As the questions start to swirl what I notice is that the real examination is between the act of reflecting and comparison. Am I seeing with objectivity or perhaps known perceptions or am I comparing myself to a societal or someone else's expectations? Mind you, neither method is "wrong" per se, it's lacking distinction between the two that can tear you down. I can reflect on my past actions and behaviors but I can't compare my intentions to versions of me that no longer exists. That past me, didn't have the experience, wisdom and self-love of this present me. Hope you can say the same, over and over again if needed, till you believe it. The old adage of there always being two sides of a story and the truth having its own version of events is an operating system that as an "HR person" I've defaulted to many times professionally.
In my career I've always tried and failed sometimes at discerning truth. There will always be those who have everything to gain and nothing to lose by deceit. Professionally some of the most insidious lies I've experienced are polite mistruths told about me. Falsehoods told of my intentions or actions that don't outright harm but still eat away at the my own reality. Even now as a coach, I try to deduce what side of the story is the client falsely self reporting. This untrue narrative is rarely conscious but nonetheless, believable. Coaching holds a mirror for the client, a reflection I am honored to provide. Personally, what I've learned are the worst lies are the ones we tell our selves. A friend asks, "but when can you tell your lying to yourself?" My simplistic response is any but simple; when you tell yourself enough truths. Keep truth telling. Contact me at alyssa@livingprioritylife.com, I'll hold that mirror for you. There are wisps of shame surrounding my writing these entries, but that is self-shaming. While we can get curious about what lies beneath it, I'm going to try to float into edit-less, freedom from self-limiting in this space.
Between these lines (which is actually devoid of graphic lines ironically) is just between you and me. I consent to giving my words to us, trusted souls. The relationship I have with myself will perhaps rival the best, most hard-fought, heartbreaking, life-giving love story I will ever read or write. It's got all the tropes; enemies to lovers, best friends, adversity, grief, heroine saving herself, badass , comedy and lots of main character energy. The storyline demands that this space be free of shame and be a record of this romance of self. The fire and ice of trauma and therapeutic processing make the waters of existence tepid. Safely afloat our raft of experience, we rest for self rescue. Bobbing under to see what we can see , to know what we know. For sure there are sharks of sharp stabbing storylines still to swim our way. Also certain is the clarity of the waters. They are self-made after all.
I float effortlessly, natural is my buoyance and resilience. The fluidity I trust safe in the sea of me. No one else's acknowledgement is relative or reliant. No one else a counterpoint to navigate towards or away. Me, the sea, safely settled into a soothing song belonging only to my soul. Every drop, every tear spilled within the ocean of ourselves known- mapped and secure. Rest easy, I'll swim to your safe shores. In the quiet before all the restlessness of the world awakes, I can feel the stillness. The peace that won't allow generalizations of my feelings, to categorize who I am and stereotype what I should feel, do, be. I surrender to the peace and consent to healing.
|
AuthorWriting is a tool of mass healing. . Archives
April 2024
Categories |